Be There

This week, Singapore mourns the passing of Kwa Geok Choo, the wife of the first Prime Minister of Singapore and the mother of her current Prime Minister.

Mr Lee Kuan Yew had commented that "she was always there when I needed her."

It's easy to be connected with your loved ones when life is a bed of roses. However, the test comes when life throws its thorns at you. Singapore would not be what she is today without Mr Lee. Mr Lee would not be what he is without her. In short, the tests that he faced, they faced together. Without her, the outcome would have been so much different. Such, is the power of being there for another person.

As I look back on my own life, I will always be grateful for three persons who were there with me. When I was travelling with the ship Doulos, every night I would visit Henk in his cabin and we would chat for an hour or so. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to.

Summer, rain, winter or fall, Anders and I would always try to wake up at 5 am and jog; though, I do confess, that was not always the case. There were a few times where the temperature was freezing and I would walk into his cabin to wake him up but he would tell me that he was tired. Deep down, I was relieved not to have to go jogging on those mornings but most of the time Anders would encourage me when I did not have the motivation to do so. Anders was there when I needed a jogging partner

Then there was Alton, with whom I touched base in church now and then. We once served together for one week in Vietnam during a teaching trip. During that week, we had tea and chatted till almost midnight every night. We spoke on everything under the moon. Alton was a very special intelligent young man. I learned the word "artificial intelligence" from him. Alton was there when I need a sounding board.

Friends encourage your strengths and accept your weaknesses. They always believe in you and stay with you in times of adversity.

In our fast paced technology world, we seem to be busier than before. Sometimes we spend more time to keep up with the latest gadgets, leaving no space nor energy left to connect with friends.

Henry Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

If we look intentionally, we may find someone who lives a life of quiet desperation. You can be there for that someone and make a difference by bringing out that song in them?

Make someone's day!

Be there!

Small Stuff

“Would you like to renew your membership, sir?” the cashier asked dutifully.

This is the fourth time she asked me the past two months. I said to her that she had asked me the same question three times before.

My membership is not due till Christmas and I was not ready to part with my $30 yet. And I said, “No!”

My curiosity got the better of me and I asked why she would ask customers to renew their membership so early. With a sad look, she said that she had to meet quota.

I could imagine that the the many customers she asked, many turned her down, and hence the sad disposition.

Then I thought “Why not?”

That’s where I said, “Yes” and her face lighted up.

Christmas comes early for her. In turn, Christmas comes early for me, too!

When I looked back, I realised that I nearly lost an opportunity to show kindness – a small deed goes a long way.

Mother Teresa says, “We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”

This week, do a small thing and make a person’s day with your great love!

And see the difference!

Strengths

For the longest time, I have been puzzled by the details of everyday life. Being a person who is not good with details, I would often need someone to tell me what was happening in a movie or a TV show. I even got the characters mixed up. Now, even I mistook TV commercials for new shows.

With all sincerity, I tried to organise myself, my things and no matter how hard I tried, I am lost in the whirlpool of details. I tried Outlook calendar, PDA and reminders…yet could not keep up the speed.

My DISC profile says I am not a person of detail. Period.

If you are like me, I got a piece of news for you: You can keep trying improving on your weaknesses until the cow comes home and still be struggling.

So I say: forget it.

Instead, enjoy whatever you are doing. And do whatever you are enjoying.

There are lots of people out there who love to do what you hate to do. And hate to do the stuff you love to do.

Whatever you love and enjoy doing and keep doing it – soon, your strengths will expand and you will become very good at what you are doing.

So what about your weaknesses?

Focus on your strengths. Farm out your weaknesses.

And if you have people who are willing to support your weaknesses with their strengths, your name shall be called "lucky."

That’s why we are so different from each other.

That’s why we should not complain about these differences…but to celebrate the differences.

Next time, when you see your partner being different, compliment him instead of crticising his uniqueness.

Try it!

And see the difference!

Faith

The voice inside says, “You won’t make any difference! You can’t make it! You might as well give it all up!” Sometimes when the voice gets louder, our confidence diminishes – and we learn to believe that it is, indeed, helpless – and hopeless.

Such is the effect of fear! It cripples our rationality, hijacks our emotions and leaves us vulnerable.

Fear causes us to run away as far as our little legs can carry us. No wonder it is exhausting when we are fearful.

We are surrounded by people who are fearful. Thankfully, not all of them ended up defeated. When Singapore was ousted out of Malaysia many years ago, Lee Kuan Yew had many reasons to be fearful. Yet, he could have despaired and gave up.

But he didn’t. Because his fears put him to work, I am enjoying the best of what Singapore is today.

When we hear such stories, we are both impressed and inspired by them.

It is because we can identify these stories of faith and courage – and yes, deep inside, you are a person of faith.

Don’t let fear to cause you to run away from your faith.

When fear comes knocking at your door – answer it with faith.

Because faith says the future is different.

And you can make a difference!

Getting out of my way

A series of unfortunate events happened the past year. Strangely, I don’t regret what had happened or not happened. If, I were much younger, I would have panic and probably end up taking psychiatric drugs. But at the moment, I am feeling calm.

While I can’t change what’s outside of me, I can change myself. And I will let events roll naturally, so that I will get out of my way in trying too hard to make things happen – which usually would end up in frustration or disappointment, if I stand in my own way.

Hence away from the noise of events, all I see on the mirror is my reflection. When nothing happens, one tends to move with more haste. Strangely, or against common logic, a quiet calmness enveloped me as I thought, “nothing really needs to happen at this time! All I need to do is just be and be tender to myself.”

It is when I get out of my way and in stillness, I can listen to my own soul and say, “I love you!”

And that’s very precious!

When everything changes

It has been many many moons since I last wrote.

I wish that I can say that I am busy and that business has been thriving. Yesterday, I asked my daughter what I should write in my blog, and she said that I should just express my feelings. So I decided to pen my feelings in this brief space.

Actually nothing much has been happening. Murphy’s Laws says, “whatever will go wrong, will go wrong!” It seems that Uncle Murphy has been visiting a lot lately.

And sometimes, that can be very worrisome!

Writer Neale Walsch says that the three biggies of change are those of finance, relationships and health. He knows what he is saying about because these three changes affected him and he had to remain homeless for more than a year.

While I am not experiencing the intensity of his hardship, everything seems to have changed this year.

His book, When everything changes, change everything, will be my solace.

This week, as September Autumn hits the earth, it’s time to let go the past.

And re-start my life.

One day at a time!

When everything changes, change everything!

Don't Move, Just Be!

Very quickly, more than three months had passed by this year. I have learned to value mistakes and appreciate friends. I have found that failures allow me to be humble and reflect on the core values of my being.

Looking back at past failures caused me to realise how far I have come. Failures are part and parcel of life. Although disappointment comes in many ways, I need not stay in the puddle of self-disappointment forever.

I have learnt that it is fine just to dwell in negative feelings and not fight them in order to feel better. Feelings convey messages. I just need to be there and ask what these negative feelings are trying to tell me. In a way, these feelings tell me that it takes a lot to manage the unknown, the uncertainly. However, not being in control could be one of the most liberating things in life. It means that when I wait long enough, things will unpack on their own and clarity will return.

I am thankful for friends and people who come into my clinic to teach me these valuable lessons. Lessons of stillness, lessons of pain mingled with hope. And when darkness turns into dawn, the ray of light is just around the corner. There is always hope ahead!

So, don’t give up. Winter has now given way to Spring. Here we see the flowers budding. Soon, Summer will arrive – bringing both sunshine and warmth.

If you are feeling depressed over the unknown, don’t do anything. Just be. Be tender to yourself. Life is cold. Soon, the sun will shine.

Don’t move, just stay there. The landscape will be brighter, the air will be fresher. And soon, you will hear laughter once again. And find hope.

And life!

Masculinity or femininity

Until quite recently, roles for men and women were fixed and quite clearly defined. Men were supposed to put bread on the table. Women, are supposed to be at home and mind the kids.

Times have changed.

Today, these roles are quite diffused. A close male friend is a full-time home-maker while his wife has a full-time job. Chances are today, if you are a female, you are more educated, and have a full-time job, and possibly command a higher income than your mother.

Perhaps this is a time for men to embrace their inner femininity and for women, their inner masculinity. By this I don’t mean sex – which is the anatomy of a person. I mean, gender.

Each of us, man or woman, possesses both inner masculine and inner feminine qualities. The search for purpose, mission and initiative summarise the core of masculine qualities. For the feminine, the longing for love and tenderness is the essence.

Men, it takes a lot of courage, but it is okay to reveal your feminine, tender side. Women, you may not feel too comfortable, but try to take lead using your masculinity to bond with your man.

Recently, a friend said that he was very touched when his wife surprised him with a sandwich for lunch at his office. She had a lunch appointment, and took the effort to pack a sandwich for him before that. She said, “Darling, I know that you would be too busy to eat, so I packed this sandwich for you!” The husband replied, “I must be the luckiest person in the world!” Then she said, “Who is luckier – you or me?”

The wife said that she was lucky because he took the effort to be tender toward her, using his feminine essence to bond with her. When she felt loved, she showed initiative (her inner masculine essence) to pack lunch for her husband.

I think this couple shows a beautiful dance piece. Sometimes he leads, and at other times, she leads. It is a dance of flow – a dance that brings out the beauty of each of the essence.

Ladies, are you waiting to be invited for a dance? Take the first step and invite your partners, your guys will love it!

Gentlemen, show the tender side of you to your partners. Be surprised at what would happen.

Remember, there is a complementary essence within you. Harness it, and you will live life more fully.

Enjoy!

The ABCs of Success

Accept people as who they are and not for what you want them to be
Believe in yourself
Change is the only constant
Don’t give up
Enjoy this moment
Failure is one step toward success
Grow up, not old
Hope always
I am the most important person in the world
Just do it!
Keep going
Laugh always
Make things happen
Never look back with regret
Open your eyes widely
Practise kindness no matter how you are treated
Quit is not a word that describes you
Relax, things will soon change
Surprise others by your generosity
Turn problems into potential
Understand yourself to understand others
Visualise success
Wonder more than worry
X-factor it: outward beauty reflects inward joy
You-win, I-win
Zeal gives energy.

Women Are Important

March 8th is International Women’s Day. This post is especially for you, women!

The world would be different without women. Think of Florence Nightingale, Mother Theresa and Rosa Parks. These women changed the world.

In 1963, a woman was passed over for a promotion in favour of a man whom she had trained. Frustrated, she retired and founded Mary Kay Cosmetics, Inc. for the purpose of enriching women’s lives. Today, Mary Kay Cosmetics has more than 800,000 representatives from 38 countries, with Singapore being the latest addition, with its first anniversary this week. Mary Kay Ash Charity Foundation seeks to fight against family violence and cancers affecting women.

According to Mary Kay, everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important.”

To the women reading this blog, know that you are important.

Along my life’s journey, I have worked with hundreds of women – ranging from young girls, to independent career women, to single mothers, to victims of family violence. A lot of these women are, to say the least, very intelligent, capable and beautiful. However, a common factor I see in them is their lack of confidence.

Women, don’t believe it when people say that you are slow and stupid. Do not believe the lie when they say you are not capable of showing leadership.

Do not be afraid when your husband shouts at you because he is equally or more afraid, or else he would not shout at you to exert his strength.

You are important – inside and out. The best thing you could do to yourself is to love yourself as who you are. You do not need validation from people around you. Once you love yourself, your confidence will show in a form of a quiet assurance. And people will respect you more.

Look at yourself in the mirror today and say, “I love you for who you are! You are important!”

And as you carry the quiet dignity within you, do not allow people to push you around. Like Mary Kay, refuse to be a victim, seek to be proactive. Make a difference.

But for now, know that you are important. And celebrate.

Because today is your day, do something to show that you are important – to yourself.

And cherish the time you have – to yourself!

Be Yourself

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are,” says e. e. Cummings. I always thought that it is one thing to grow old and another to grow up.

For my life, after I did badly in school during teenage days, I was growing old in desperation – always trying to stay afloat in the waves of despair. Desperation isn’t a bad thing – really – when you are drowning. It is survival. Survived I did – with multiple degrees and becoming good at my profession.

Yet, that was about growing old. Last year, it dawned on me that I was growing old because I was mindful of the conventions and fearful of the consequences if I were to step out of the edge into the unknown. I was, to say the least, living in the shadow.

And I was not alone.

Many are mindful of what their significant other think about them – and live in quiet submission. They have lost their sense of identity in order to make others happy. Others live in the shadow of their past, of a hurt that they have not come to terms with, and enter into the familiar patterns – again and again.

We also grow old living in other people’s expectation. I was a missionary for five years, a pastor for nine years and a counsellor in a church for about six years, not counting the years trying to achieve multiple degrees. I guess I grew old because I wanted to prove a point that I was not a scumbag as I thought I was.

I was, ahem, also an ordained minister – a Reverend. To Christians, a Reverend is a revered title. It means he can marry, bury, dunk people in water, pray for the sick and kiss babies. And he can also visit hospitals outside visitation hours and even be exempted from doing reservist training. Now, a pastor may not be a Reverend, but almost all Reverends are pastors or the likes of them.

To some holy Reverends, if people don’t address them as Reverends, it is considered insubordination. So, can you imagine my children saying to me, “Good night, Reverend Father Danny, may we kiss you with a holy kiss to say goodnight!” And I could say to them, “Good night, brother and sister children, the Lord takes delight in you because you obey your holy Reverend Father!”

At the end of last year, I did some serious thinking. I am not and will not be defined by what positions I have or the titles that I have obtained.

I am just me. I need not fit into the agenda and approval of anyone else.

I can be different. I have now more joy. I can make decisions without having to think if others would approve of me. And I discovered that I can have fun, be spontaneous and able to laugh more.

Because I can be me I can be different. When we lost the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free. Living under the approval of someone else is a burden.

Just be yourself. Be you. Dance to your own music. And for those who can’t hear you, it’s their loss because it could be that they are not even making music at all, let alone dance.

Be yourself. And start to enjoy life.

May I have this dance?

Just Be

When January came, I told myself that I was not ready for the new year. Now, we are in the middle of the second month and I am still not quite ready for February yet.

The past few days had been – very hectic, indeed, due to the festivities. There were lots of visitations, travelling and interacting with business partners.

Yes, we strive, do multi-task and get distracted. This morning, I messaged a dear friend only to discover that the message was quite disconnecting: all because my mind was cluttered and restless.

So, I am going to be – Just be.

For the next few hours, I am just going to ease up. Forget about facebook, or the iphone or answering messages. This is going to be – me time.

Me and me alone!

I am just going to quiet down and to feel what it means to just be – without the striving and the noise.

To find myself – and to be a human once again!

Shhh! Just be!

Response Ability

I come from a humble background. We didn’t have a lot of material things when we were young. The six of us (including our parents) lived and grew up together in a rented room. Hence, I grew up with a scarcity mentality – ie this world has only “so much” and I shouldn’t ask for more.

One day, while shopping, I was given a chance in to spin the wheel in a lucky draw. I did not win anything. However, I couldn’t help but notice that inside my head was a familiar voice saying, “These are just gimmicks to cheat you of your money!”

It then dawned on me that I have a mind-set of being a victim of circumstances (which was to protect me in order to survive in this harsh world). No wonder I was feeling unlucky, pessimistic and usually blame my circumstances for anything that went wrong. The world within me was gloomy – there were no colours at all.

Then one day, I attended a course on 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen Covey) and heard the word “responsibility” in the training. Now you and I have heard this word countless times over. However, this was the first time I heard “Responsibility” as response-ability. I learned then that I need not react to situations but, instead, I can to respond to situations. In other words, I am the director of my own life and I write my own life script.

In short, I realised that while the past had a deep impact on me, it does not determine my future. I can create my own future. Knowing that gave me instant freedom as I would no longer be bound by circumstances, words, labels and criticisms. In fact, everyday ought to be a new day for me. How’s that for an interpretation of “today is the first day of the rest of your life?”

Today, I am a much happier person. I believe in the “abundance mentality” where there is enough to be shared with everybody and much more.

I also believe that no matter what the circumstances may be, I can still choose to respond in a way that determines my way forward – and in that, I can act based on my inner self instead of blaming on the externals. In other words, my locus of control is now internal and not external.

I am only too aware that however I choose to respond or to react depends on what I choose to see. As Oscar Wilde said,
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
We can either (1) look down and be depressed or (2) we can look up and see the shiny stars.

Either way, we are right! (“if you think you can, you are right. If you think you can’t, you are right too~Henry Ford)

The Flow of Talk

Making conversations can be more difficult than one could imagine. We hurt each other, not because we want too, but often it is because we are mindless.

A few days ago, a couple came to complaint against each other. John complained that Claire has always been very critical of him. What happened was that he came home excitedly after his first day at work. He told Claire that he was happy with his new boss and it seemed to him that his colleagues were nice people too. Then Claire replied, “I know you well enough. After a couple of days you would find fault at your boss and your colleagues. Actually, I doubt whether you would be happy in your new job anyway. You are always complaining and you will never change.” Here Claire was going against the flow of talk. John wanted to share the good news with Claire, but was criticised by her.

Later Claire shared she had a tough day at work with her boss, giving her a last minute assignment. John replied, “Let’s go for dinner now!” Here John was moving away from the flow of talk. Claire wanted a listening ear from John, but John ignored her.

Marital researchers claim that being mindless in our daily conversations that cause cracks in the relationship and eventually lead to its break-up.

Instead of going against or moving away from the flow of talk, conversations that connect intentionally go with the flow of talk. This is where the listener mindfully listens to the mood of the speaker and reflects that mood. The listener then takes a lead by asking a question.

For example, when Claire heard that John had a good day at work, she could say, “I am glad to hear that you are happy at work today!” (reflecting on John’s mood) and continued, “Let’s celebrate by dining at our favourite restaurant, shall we?” (taking lead).

When Claire shared concerning her bad hair day, John could reply by saying, “Oh I am sorry to hear that you have such a tough day!” (reflecting on Claire’s mood) and continued, “Come let me give you a hug!” (taking lead).

Being mindful in conversations really takes effort to listen to the person you are interacting. When you give time and space to listen, you are telling the person that he/she is important to you. Although you may not understand what’s going on in this person’s life, you are there to show support.

Mother Theresa once said, “The greatest tragedy in life is not about feeling unloved, but being ignored.”

I wonder what would happen if we would show a little kindness, by intentionally showing care to the person we talk to, to be mindful in going with the flow of talk.

Perhaps the world would be a kinder place to live in!

Believe

He was a school kid that was always in trouble. The teachers scolded him because he seemed out of sorts. There were never textbooks in the school bag of the unkempt boy. His friends first pitied him and shared their textbooks, but later on became too embarrassed even to do so.

At eight, he saw a piano for the first time in his life. His music teacher hit the key of C and asked him to pitch his voice. He could not – and was laughed at by the class.

He seemed to be a slow learner. At nine, a Chinese teacher asked him to read a simple passage. His mind went blank due to nervousness and could not even utter a word. The teacher told his laughing classmates that he was stupid.

Through the years, he was involved in a series of fights which landed him public caning. Needless to say, he failed almost all his exams.

Naturally, he was to become a write-off – and goner. He was to become the scum of society.

Well, almost.

One day, Mrs Lim, his math teacher singled him out. She gave him the attention that no one else did and believed in him and his talents. She affirmed him as a person and said that she saw that he was a good boy.

Because Mrs Lim believed in the boy, she changed his life.

That boy was me.

Ever come across people who are written off or almost written off by others? What could happen if you were to affirm just one of them and say that you believe in him or her?

Is there someone that you know who is going through a rough patch in life? Lend strength to that person, express your confidence to that person and reassure him that He Will Make It. You will never know what these words may mean to that person.

After all, every face tells a story, each different from the rest. You can change a story by believing in that person.

Make a difference – show a little care, express confidence in that person and you will never know what difference it will make!

Carry Your Own Weather

A couple of days ago, an incident had left me flustered and irritable – it was a bad hair day. On such days we would let ourselves to feel blue – and start the day under the impression that the rest of the morning, and the afternoon as well, would be spoilt. Later that day, I had a speaking engagement and wondered how the dark cloud could be lifted up. A dear friend tried to cheer me up by exchanging jokes.

Within two hours, I was thinking that I could carry my own weather and be consistent – regardless of how people treated me. Then I remembered that I needed to take responsibility of my own life and not see myself as a victim of the social weather around me.

Life is the result of our own decisions and not what happens to us. We all have a choice. We can choose to be happy or grumpy as the weather changes about us.

We should never build our emotional life around the weaknesses of others, or else we are, indirectly, giving them permission to make us unhappy. What happens to us is not as important as what happens in us. No one can take away your happiness without your permission – and as Gandhi puts it, “They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.”

No matter what happens to you, be it the past, present or near future, remember that you have a choice – a choice to respect yourself and be happy.

This brings me back to that day – the day I chose to carry my own weather. I chose to respect myself, have fun and be happy. And yes! My audience caught on to my happy mood and had fun.

You can choose not to let yourself be a victim of circumstances. Carry your own weather: respect yourself and be happy. Soon, you’d notice that the others around you will be as happy as you too!

Try it! Be warned: It’s contagious!

Let Go and Enjoy The Moment

At the end of 2009, a friend and I went out. Unknowingly, we had a little misunderstanding – the building she was headed for, and the building I thought she had pointed, were different. Then she asked if I would rather jaywalk from where we were, or cross at the pedestrian crossing. Since the traffic light was closer to ‘my’ building, I suggested we use the pedestrian crossing at the traffic light. We did, but as it turned out, after crossing the road, we ended up taking a longer route than where we both originally headed. For a minute we stood and argued about which building where our destination lay. Then we realised the humour of the situation, looked at each other, smiled and said, “It doesn’t matter. Let’s enjoy ourselves!”

We were able to let go and enjoy the moment because we valued the relationship.

Last Friday, I lunched with another friend at Raffles City basement. As we were walking back to the train station, she could sense that I was overwhelmed by the maze of shops and eateries. Then she took a small step forward to lead me to the station.

I truly appreciate these two friends for just letting things be and enjoying the moment. Many things really do not matter. Getting into an argument or blame would sour the friendship.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, but just enjoy the moment – treasure and build the friendship.

Lunch anyone? (Hmm… I will try not to suggest crossing at the traffic light. Could you also lead me to the train station, please?)

One Thing

“A Legacy of Love” was the theme of my Aunty’s memorial service held a few days ago.

Aunty lost her father when she was three, married at 21 and mothered nine children. Despite her humble background of lack and poverty, we didn’t – and still don’t – hear stories of despair, despondency and disappointment. Rather, we hear about her life of faith, hope and vitality, even after she passed away at the age of 76.

Growing up without a father made her learn to be street-wise and fend for herself and her mother. She took up all kinds of jobs just to make sure that the family survived.

When she had a family of her own, the 11 of them lived in a rented one-room flat. There was a New Year’s Eve where she called for a family meeting, and announced that the whole family had only one dollar left. She chose to spend the last dollar to give her husband a haircut so that he would usher the New Year with a decent look.

Her children would always remember her for her trust and confidence in them. When asked for advice, she would always tell them to decide for themselves and to express confidence in their choices. She would accommodate to their schedule with little regard to her own – and was always there when the children needed her.

She was also ready to be inconvenient so she could reach out to those outside the family. Friends would remember her as a sacrificial person – always ready to lend a hand or a listening ear.

When she passed away, she was half-way through a six-month counselling course that was conducted in English. Despite her being unable to understand or read English, her passion led her take up a counselling course so that she could listen to people who are 10 to 15 years younger than her. She even took it once step further – and travelled to different parts of the world, including the States, alone.

At 76, she also enrolled in a school to learn how to dance. Yes, she lived a full life and literally danced her way into heaven.

Looking back at her legacy of love, family, friends and relatives would always remember her for one thing: she gave love unconditionally.

At the end of 2010, if there was only one thing your friends and family could remember you for, I wonder what that would be.