The Flow of Talk

Making conversations can be more difficult than one could imagine. We hurt each other, not because we want too, but often it is because we are mindless.

A few days ago, a couple came to complaint against each other. John complained that Claire has always been very critical of him. What happened was that he came home excitedly after his first day at work. He told Claire that he was happy with his new boss and it seemed to him that his colleagues were nice people too. Then Claire replied, “I know you well enough. After a couple of days you would find fault at your boss and your colleagues. Actually, I doubt whether you would be happy in your new job anyway. You are always complaining and you will never change.” Here Claire was going against the flow of talk. John wanted to share the good news with Claire, but was criticised by her.

Later Claire shared she had a tough day at work with her boss, giving her a last minute assignment. John replied, “Let’s go for dinner now!” Here John was moving away from the flow of talk. Claire wanted a listening ear from John, but John ignored her.

Marital researchers claim that being mindless in our daily conversations that cause cracks in the relationship and eventually lead to its break-up.

Instead of going against or moving away from the flow of talk, conversations that connect intentionally go with the flow of talk. This is where the listener mindfully listens to the mood of the speaker and reflects that mood. The listener then takes a lead by asking a question.

For example, when Claire heard that John had a good day at work, she could say, “I am glad to hear that you are happy at work today!” (reflecting on John’s mood) and continued, “Let’s celebrate by dining at our favourite restaurant, shall we?” (taking lead).

When Claire shared concerning her bad hair day, John could reply by saying, “Oh I am sorry to hear that you have such a tough day!” (reflecting on Claire’s mood) and continued, “Come let me give you a hug!” (taking lead).

Being mindful in conversations really takes effort to listen to the person you are interacting. When you give time and space to listen, you are telling the person that he/she is important to you. Although you may not understand what’s going on in this person’s life, you are there to show support.

Mother Theresa once said, “The greatest tragedy in life is not about feeling unloved, but being ignored.”

I wonder what would happen if we would show a little kindness, by intentionally showing care to the person we talk to, to be mindful in going with the flow of talk.

Perhaps the world would be a kinder place to live in!