The Flow of Talk

Making conversations can be more difficult than one could imagine. We hurt each other, not because we want too, but often it is because we are mindless.

A few days ago, a couple came to complaint against each other. John complained that Claire has always been very critical of him. What happened was that he came home excitedly after his first day at work. He told Claire that he was happy with his new boss and it seemed to him that his colleagues were nice people too. Then Claire replied, “I know you well enough. After a couple of days you would find fault at your boss and your colleagues. Actually, I doubt whether you would be happy in your new job anyway. You are always complaining and you will never change.” Here Claire was going against the flow of talk. John wanted to share the good news with Claire, but was criticised by her.

Later Claire shared she had a tough day at work with her boss, giving her a last minute assignment. John replied, “Let’s go for dinner now!” Here John was moving away from the flow of talk. Claire wanted a listening ear from John, but John ignored her.

Marital researchers claim that being mindless in our daily conversations that cause cracks in the relationship and eventually lead to its break-up.

Instead of going against or moving away from the flow of talk, conversations that connect intentionally go with the flow of talk. This is where the listener mindfully listens to the mood of the speaker and reflects that mood. The listener then takes a lead by asking a question.

For example, when Claire heard that John had a good day at work, she could say, “I am glad to hear that you are happy at work today!” (reflecting on John’s mood) and continued, “Let’s celebrate by dining at our favourite restaurant, shall we?” (taking lead).

When Claire shared concerning her bad hair day, John could reply by saying, “Oh I am sorry to hear that you have such a tough day!” (reflecting on Claire’s mood) and continued, “Come let me give you a hug!” (taking lead).

Being mindful in conversations really takes effort to listen to the person you are interacting. When you give time and space to listen, you are telling the person that he/she is important to you. Although you may not understand what’s going on in this person’s life, you are there to show support.

Mother Theresa once said, “The greatest tragedy in life is not about feeling unloved, but being ignored.”

I wonder what would happen if we would show a little kindness, by intentionally showing care to the person we talk to, to be mindful in going with the flow of talk.

Perhaps the world would be a kinder place to live in!

Believe

He was a school kid that was always in trouble. The teachers scolded him because he seemed out of sorts. There were never textbooks in the school bag of the unkempt boy. His friends first pitied him and shared their textbooks, but later on became too embarrassed even to do so.

At eight, he saw a piano for the first time in his life. His music teacher hit the key of C and asked him to pitch his voice. He could not – and was laughed at by the class.

He seemed to be a slow learner. At nine, a Chinese teacher asked him to read a simple passage. His mind went blank due to nervousness and could not even utter a word. The teacher told his laughing classmates that he was stupid.

Through the years, he was involved in a series of fights which landed him public caning. Needless to say, he failed almost all his exams.

Naturally, he was to become a write-off – and goner. He was to become the scum of society.

Well, almost.

One day, Mrs Lim, his math teacher singled him out. She gave him the attention that no one else did and believed in him and his talents. She affirmed him as a person and said that she saw that he was a good boy.

Because Mrs Lim believed in the boy, she changed his life.

That boy was me.

Ever come across people who are written off or almost written off by others? What could happen if you were to affirm just one of them and say that you believe in him or her?

Is there someone that you know who is going through a rough patch in life? Lend strength to that person, express your confidence to that person and reassure him that He Will Make It. You will never know what these words may mean to that person.

After all, every face tells a story, each different from the rest. You can change a story by believing in that person.

Make a difference – show a little care, express confidence in that person and you will never know what difference it will make!

Carry Your Own Weather

A couple of days ago, an incident had left me flustered and irritable – it was a bad hair day. On such days we would let ourselves to feel blue – and start the day under the impression that the rest of the morning, and the afternoon as well, would be spoilt. Later that day, I had a speaking engagement and wondered how the dark cloud could be lifted up. A dear friend tried to cheer me up by exchanging jokes.

Within two hours, I was thinking that I could carry my own weather and be consistent – regardless of how people treated me. Then I remembered that I needed to take responsibility of my own life and not see myself as a victim of the social weather around me.

Life is the result of our own decisions and not what happens to us. We all have a choice. We can choose to be happy or grumpy as the weather changes about us.

We should never build our emotional life around the weaknesses of others, or else we are, indirectly, giving them permission to make us unhappy. What happens to us is not as important as what happens in us. No one can take away your happiness without your permission – and as Gandhi puts it, “They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.”

No matter what happens to you, be it the past, present or near future, remember that you have a choice – a choice to respect yourself and be happy.

This brings me back to that day – the day I chose to carry my own weather. I chose to respect myself, have fun and be happy. And yes! My audience caught on to my happy mood and had fun.

You can choose not to let yourself be a victim of circumstances. Carry your own weather: respect yourself and be happy. Soon, you’d notice that the others around you will be as happy as you too!

Try it! Be warned: It’s contagious!

Let Go and Enjoy The Moment

At the end of 2009, a friend and I went out. Unknowingly, we had a little misunderstanding – the building she was headed for, and the building I thought she had pointed, were different. Then she asked if I would rather jaywalk from where we were, or cross at the pedestrian crossing. Since the traffic light was closer to ‘my’ building, I suggested we use the pedestrian crossing at the traffic light. We did, but as it turned out, after crossing the road, we ended up taking a longer route than where we both originally headed. For a minute we stood and argued about which building where our destination lay. Then we realised the humour of the situation, looked at each other, smiled and said, “It doesn’t matter. Let’s enjoy ourselves!”

We were able to let go and enjoy the moment because we valued the relationship.

Last Friday, I lunched with another friend at Raffles City basement. As we were walking back to the train station, she could sense that I was overwhelmed by the maze of shops and eateries. Then she took a small step forward to lead me to the station.

I truly appreciate these two friends for just letting things be and enjoying the moment. Many things really do not matter. Getting into an argument or blame would sour the friendship.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, but just enjoy the moment – treasure and build the friendship.

Lunch anyone? (Hmm… I will try not to suggest crossing at the traffic light. Could you also lead me to the train station, please?)

One Thing

“A Legacy of Love” was the theme of my Aunty’s memorial service held a few days ago.

Aunty lost her father when she was three, married at 21 and mothered nine children. Despite her humble background of lack and poverty, we didn’t – and still don’t – hear stories of despair, despondency and disappointment. Rather, we hear about her life of faith, hope and vitality, even after she passed away at the age of 76.

Growing up without a father made her learn to be street-wise and fend for herself and her mother. She took up all kinds of jobs just to make sure that the family survived.

When she had a family of her own, the 11 of them lived in a rented one-room flat. There was a New Year’s Eve where she called for a family meeting, and announced that the whole family had only one dollar left. She chose to spend the last dollar to give her husband a haircut so that he would usher the New Year with a decent look.

Her children would always remember her for her trust and confidence in them. When asked for advice, she would always tell them to decide for themselves and to express confidence in their choices. She would accommodate to their schedule with little regard to her own – and was always there when the children needed her.

She was also ready to be inconvenient so she could reach out to those outside the family. Friends would remember her as a sacrificial person – always ready to lend a hand or a listening ear.

When she passed away, she was half-way through a six-month counselling course that was conducted in English. Despite her being unable to understand or read English, her passion led her take up a counselling course so that she could listen to people who are 10 to 15 years younger than her. She even took it once step further – and travelled to different parts of the world, including the States, alone.

At 76, she also enrolled in a school to learn how to dance. Yes, she lived a full life and literally danced her way into heaven.

Looking back at her legacy of love, family, friends and relatives would always remember her for one thing: she gave love unconditionally.

At the end of 2010, if there was only one thing your friends and family could remember you for, I wonder what that would be.